Things get weird

Dear Cyber Friends, 

Sometimes, it gets crazy. Things get weird. They're not what they seem anymore, and GIRL, it's so confusing. 

In these moments, I can sometimes starve myself a bit too much, not on purpose, but I just don't have much appetite. Eating and cooking when I don't have any appetite is one of my least favourite things to do. I tend to avoid it as much as possible, trying to get take-out without the risk of bankruptcy, or getting things that are ready-to-eat, like frozen pizza or Abert Heijn quiche. 

When I do try to cook during these days, it never comes out even mildly okay, it's always shit, and for some reason - I guess self-preservation and forward-thinking? - I make a massive batch of it, and I either have to throw it away instantly, or after several attempts to consume my disgusting creations. 

But you gotta eat. Even if it's shit quality, or taste, or quantity - something is better than nothing. And when you don't feel like eating, that's probably when you should try eating anyways. I feel like after a while of hunger, your stomach can just close up, and you feel like eating less and less. So, remember to stay okay, have a bite, have a snack, and if you feel like shit, ask yourself if you've eaten, drank water, and gone outside today. If any of these are not checked, just do it, just force yourself to do it. Even if you still feel like shit after, at least you tried, and it might work. 

I feel like these days can get scary. Just not eating anything at all, blazing, binging reality TV, crying. Dark days, been there done that. And it's not even entirely not enjoyable, it's so addictive. It draws you in, and you feel worse and worse, but you continue. And the longer you take to feed yourself, drink water, get some fresh air, give your brain a break from screens - the harder you will fall, the harder it will be to pick yourself back up. I think purging is good if it's the only available thing, we need to let shit out, even if it's all crazy and toxic and far from ideal. But at some point, if the purge is not sustainable at all, it will only make things worse. And you'll have even more to repair. And it will bring you (further) down. 

After such days, the sun comes out. The birds sing again. Things get better. Things pass. 

Often, I then enter a massive snack attack, and for a few days I make up for what was lost. I noticed these periods are syncing with my menstrual cycle, which is also crazy, but explains some things. I think right after my period, I'm less hungry, more wired, and this happens around the full moon. So these two weeks are usually a little crazy, the period has passed, I feel like eating spicy food, fruit, and my apetite is under control. I feel more like eating less but good quality, and I have less cravings. When I start ovulating, around the new moon, that's when I start getting famished. I want to eat everything, salty, greasy, and fatty, with a nice, fat, sweet reward(s). It only gets worse, and when I enter my period that's when my apetite gets a bit more balanced again. Weird. 

So I guess in some ways things are balanced, even if they do go to extremes. Extremes can be balanced too, they just feel extreme. 

Happy bouncing back! 

Logging out, 

Natalia